Sometimes it still happens, sometimes I still feel like all my energies are gone and I try to reach out for help to breathe, sometimes I still feel like what I give, it doesn’t go anywhere, it doesn’t build anything, it doesn’t even come back.
Sometimes I still feel like I won’t make it, that one day I will drown in the darkness of depression and I won’t come out of it. Sometimes I still feel that I am tired of being strong and I would just like to close down everything, my social media accounts, my bank account, my heart, my brain and my EMOTIONS and hid in a hole from everything.
Sometimes I still feel that everything I do is not enough, sometimes I still feel tired and fed up of all the people that tell me I am strong enough, sometimes I am tired of not having a hand to reach out, sometimes I am just tired and I would like to sleep until the next life to re-do everything all over.
I used to have these feelings very often a few months ago as if a hand grabbed my throat and tried to choke me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything rather than crying for hours, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get out without having panic attacks, I couldn’t take any more pain and I couldn’t take any more my mom’s pain and I couldn’t take any more my dad’s behaviour, I couldn’t take any more stress at work, just couldn’t take it anymore, I reached my limits.
I am much better now that I put some distances and that decided to close any kind of relationship with my dad, that threw back to my mum the role of saviour that she gave to me for so long, that I am doing exactly what I want to do…but still sometimes, I feel tired of being stronger than I feel, sometimes I still want to hide in a hole.